Spiritual Turf Wars Three:

Preaching for Fun and Profit

Excerpted from Chapter 2 of Kingdom Lessons 4:

Daydreams & Night Visions.   (Available at Amazon!)

Written by Wayne O’Conner.

See: 1 Peter 4:17, Proverbs 18:16 &

2^nd Corinthians 11:14

When I went back to sleep after writing down the dream “Spiritual Turf Wars 2: War of the Oranges,” I had another dream (4/14/2017). The Lord did not speak to me in this dream.  The dream did have a spiritual lesson. It is a cautionary tale about not hiring hirelings who are either immature Christians or religious showmen who are merely actors engaging in their newest gig on the road to fame and fortune.

“Spiritual Turf Wars Three Dream”

Pastor “Rocky” Rockford Neumarket had never gone to Bible School.  He had paid handsomely for three months of intense mentoring from a famous televangelist.

His sandy blonde hair had faded to mostly white after fifty years of walking the earth.  Pastor Neumarket’s southern accent and rugged good looks had opened many doors, albeit temporarily, throughout his life.

Upon reaching forty years of age, he had picked up a slight potbelly but had otherwise remained quite fit and muscular. Still maintaining a life-long hobby of boxing and weightlifting had also been beneficial.

Rocky always dressed in cowboy clothes.  Today was no exception. While Neumarket’s elders prepared to take an offering, Rocky sang “Old Country Church” and twanged the strings of his Johnny Walker Sunburst guitar. His enthralled (captured by the fascination of) audience vented courses of oohs and ahhs.  Many came to hear his golden voice, rather than to meet Jesus.  The stage set at the front of the church was almost as glitzy and as well apportioned as that of any CMT cable show.

Being skilled both as a musician and a trained motivational speaker, Rocky had a natural knack for filling both his pews and offering plates.

At twenty Rocky had dreamed of being a game show host or radio announcer. He had flunked out of Brown’s Institute.

Rockford found it easy to get hired, but because of personal issues and character weaknesses, always had difficulty keeping the job.

He had tried owning and operating hotels and restaurants. That had never worked out either. Rocky had also been a nightclub bouncer several times.

Late in life, he decided that he would become a radio and television preacher. Rocky did not benefit from any great spiritual blessing, but because of his natural talents and skills, that vocational track was showing great promise.

Rocky finished his song. He placed his guitar in its cradle, then gave his step-son, Orlando, usually called Orrie, by everyone but Rocky, a nod.

Orrie was a shy and humble young man of twenty-two.  Orrie’s mother had been a showgirl in Vegas. She had run off with another man, not long after her marriage to Rocky, but had left the boy toddler with him.  The boy’s name was Orlando Mann, but the minister always called him Boy in the dream.

Rocky tipped his white Stetson (famous brand  cowboy hat) to the audience and waited for the applause to fade away. His eyes gleamed; a wry smile parted his lips as he watched his elders exit into the back room behind the stage to count the offering plates.  Rocky had a good feeling about the generosity of today’s audience.  And his feelings concerning the estimations of the offering were always uncannily (strange or mysterious) accurate.

“Boy! I say, Boy,” drawled Rocky, as he stepped back from the pulpit! He added, “I know I am a hard act to follow, but give it your best shot.  Yes sirree, Boy, sing that thar’ new chorus y’all wrote.”

Orrie was also dressed as a cowboy but wore a much more casual blue and white checked shirt and black jeans that were only slightly darker than his skin.  While his pigmentation (skin color) was dark, his features were very fine.  Orlando was good looking to everyone but himself. He didn’t consider himself to be unattractive but did not consider himself to be a prize either. While he was friendly to many girls, Orlando was afraid of commitment.

He placed his Bible on an empty velvet cushioned stage chair, wiped his hands on his jeans, and grabbed his song sheet.  Orrie swallowed nervously, then forced a faltering (in a way that shows lack of confidence) smile.  “Howdy all!  Jesus gave me another song a couple of weeks ago.  It took another week for the band to make a music track for me. I hope you like it.”

After a few seconds, Orrie became lost in the song which praised Jesus for His power and sterling character.  The tune was very catchy.  Orrie relaxed, and his nervousness was replaced by excitation (eagerness or enthusiasm) and purpose.

Rocky frowned briefly.  He mumbled, “Gotta watch that boy. I can’t let him outshine me.”

Orrie didn’t play an instrument, but when he wasn’t anxious, he had a kindness and humility that was charming. While he did not possess the superlative voice and flamboyant presentation style of his step-father, Orrie was well-liked.  When not burdened by anxiety, he displayed a natural talent for sharing, whether singing or talking with people. The fact that he rarely became angry and seemed to easily avoid most temptations had become an irritant to his step-father more and more in recent years.

“Well now,” boomed Rocky, “Everyone give my boy a hand.  He did good.  Yes sirree, he did his daddy proud.  Not the best song I’ve eva’ heard – kinda simple and short – but he did good.”

Orrie’s happiness tarnished (dulled), he slipped back into his shy awkward personality and quietly took his stage chair.

Rocky walked back to the podium, deftly waved his Bible, and said, “Turn with me now to the Book of Psalms; go to Chapter 91.”

Rockford Neumarket had started guest preaching at local churches throughout New York City. He recruited helpers from the various churches to support his new ministry. He had been called a sheep-stealer on more than one occasion.  Even though Rocky’s boorish (roughness or bad manners) behavior kept repelling (opposite of attract) people, his natural talent just kept packing the church. His TV and radio shows grew in leaps and bounds and money poured into the church coffers. In addition to his preaching salary, Rocky received a percentage of all church revenue.

Scene fade.

Rocky boomed from the pulpit, “Praise Jesus our radio and TV ministry is takin’ off in grand style. I can’t take all the credit myself.  We have a great staff and a great band. And if y’alls weren’t givin’ sacrificially, we couldn’t afford to do the work of the Kingdom.

“We just upgraded our movie cameras and sound system last week.  I garrowntee, Jesus has blessed us real good. And we ain’t gonna let Him down.  And we ain’t gonna rest on our past laurels. No, sirree, with my talent and your support, we can win the world for Christ!”

Scene fade.

Rocky shocked his congregation. When he appeared on the stage, he was not wearing one of his custom designed Stetsons, or tailored costumes of pearl buttoned fandango shirts, western blazers, slacks and expensive cowboy boots. Rockford entered the backstage door wearing a simple white robe, which contrasted with his deeply tanned Marlboro Man good looks. He hefted a large wicker basket.  Rocky called twelve of his elders up to the stage and parceled out French bread slices, slathered with melted muenster cheese, and snapped crisp golden fish fillet halves into his elders’ smaller wicker baskets. Then, striking a dramatic pose, Pastor Rockford Neumarket sent them into the congregation to pass out the unexpected treat.

After Rocky had pretended he was Jesus and broke loaves and fish fillets, he sauntered over to his pulpit and recited red-letter passages about faith, miracles, and gratitude.

Pastor Rockford Neumarket gazed out the church window and noticed a brown car parked in his reserved stall in the parking lot.  He always parked his new Lincoln at the parsonage, but he liked having the empty parking spot sporting the “Reserved for Pastor Neumarket” sign next to the church entrance.

Rocky bellowed, “Who in tarnation (damnation) owns that rusty brown Chevy Impala?  Not many people these days have the excuse of not bein’ able to read.  Y’all are parked in front of a large sign that states, ‘Reserved for Pastor Neumarket!’ Either y’all can’t read or y’all thinks rules that apply to everyone else don’t apply for y’all! I won’t stand for it! No sirree!’”

The owner of the car, a young seminary student from a local Bible college, stood up and identified himself. “I apologize Pastor Neumarket. I am from the local seminary.  I brought disabled people today. We were running late, and that stall is right next to the handicap entrance.”

“Well, I tell y’alls, what we have here is a do-gooder! Yes sirree, a gen-u-ine honest to goodness do-gooder! And a fresh-snow Bible student, to boot! I ask you, young man, did they eva’ teach you about Hebrews 13:17? I’ll quote it for you, just in case you are unfamiliar with it. “Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you.”

Pastor Neumarket did not have many verses memorized, but this one had always been useful to control and intimidate those he deemed troublemakers and power grabbers.

Rockford Neumarket continued to rant from the pulpit and called the young man’s friends, all of them disabled, several uncomplimentary terms.  He warned them not to park in reserved stalls when they visited unless they wanted to be fined and towed away.

The Bible student replied “No problem, sir.  We will not be coming back!” as he gathered his guests and left the facility.

Neumarket angrily shoved his notes into the pulpit drawer and performed an impromptu change of topic. Rockford delivered a verbose, yet scripturally scant sermon that was an eloquent treatise on why he had been justified in rebuking the Bible student publicly.

Scene Fade.

In the next service, Neumarket   joined his band as they performed “On the Wings of a Snow White Dove” and  “Great Speckled Bird.” Rockford said, following the performance, after he stood in front of the pulpit, “Today’s lesson from God’s Word is about treating brothers and sisters with dignity and respect.”

Rockford stopped his sermonizing and laughed. He slapped his Bible against the podium and adjusted his white Stetson to a rakish angle and cocked his head to one side.

Brother Raymond, dressed in his usual pastel button down oxford shirt, black bow tie, and corduroy short pants that were always a darker match to his lighter shirt, entered the sanctuary.

Raymond had a contusion on his forehead, two bandages on one cheek and one knee wrapped with gauze.  He had never been seen without ultra-thin leather pro cyclist gloves and a reflective safety helmet. Although today would not be an exception to that rule, one would have assumed the cyclist gear had been removed to facilitate bandaging. People joked about whether Raymond had been born with them or if they came off for sleeping or during his shower routine.  Rumor had it that he hadn’t owned a car for decades.

“Thank you, Brother Raymond, for joining us!” boomed Rockford.  “Better late than neva’ as the old sayin’ goes.  Elder Hansen whispered in my ear a bit ago that y’all had fallen into that pothole just afore the church driveway. Brother Raymond, did y’all a-fall an’ go boom? Yes sirree, boys and girls, Brother Raymond a-fell an’ went boom! Bike parts scattered twixt (between) Hell and breakfast, no less!”

Rocky chortled and continued, “Brother Raymond, I wish I coulda’ seen that!  Why, if I was a lookin’ out my picture winda, I’d of looked over at Boy and said, ‘Whatta ya know Boy, dinner and a show!”

Rocky smiled crookedly. “Yes sirree, we folks at this fine church are always lookin’ for potential good deeds.  When God passes out rewards for good deeds, I don’t want our church to be slackin’! No sirree!”

He motioned to Elder Hansen, “Go get that gift for Brother Raymond we talked about before the service.”  Pastor Rockford Neumarket continued, “Psalm 34:17 says,  ‘The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles.’”

Turning again to the congregation, Pastor Neumarket chuckled and dramatically raised his hand above his White Stetson. He exclaimed, “Brother Raymond, come forth!”

Brother Raymond, a short, stooped,  and thin middle-aged man with silver wire-rimmed glasses, stood dwarfed by the muscular cowboy pastor as Elder Hansen brought the gift.  For scant seconds Raymond’s lips compressed tightly, as his narrow face and pointy chin hardened. He saw “the gift” that had been brought on stage. It was neither cash, check or a bicycle.

Raymond grunted, and spoke in a raspy, phlegmy ( having thick sticky snot or mucus produced in abnormal quantity in the respiratory passages), high-pitched voice, “I don’t know what to say.” Brother Raymond rubbed his prominent Adam’s apple, coughed, then forced a chuckle himself.  Laughter rippled through the audience as Elder Hansen handed Brother Raymond a red children’s tricycle, complete with pink and blue streamers on the handles, which had been removed from the children’s activity room.

Raymond bowed to the pastor and Elder Hansen. Lastly, he bowed to the audience.  Raymond then walked his new tricycle down the three steps below the stage. Then waving with one hand, he rode his gift erratically along the pew aisle to the foyer, frantically tooting the trike’s horn like a Shriner, in his funny car, on parade day.

Raymond hopped off the toy trike at the foyer exit, stood, bowed once more, and exited through the door with the trike in hand.  After closing the church door behind him, Brother Raymond parked the tricycle outside the door, solemnly saluted it and walked away.  The trike’s streamers whipped and fluttered behind him in the stiff breeze as he walked home.

Brother Raymond did not give up his love for Country Gospel, but never set foot in Cowboy’s Gospel Tabernacle again or listened to its cable or radio show. Only a few members of the large congregation ever noticed his absence.

Scene Fade.

Rocky adjusted his white Stetson, picked up his electric Les Paul Classic Green Ocean Burst guitar and said, “I am dedicatin’ this song, “Move,” by Audio Adrenaline, to my girlfriend, Sky. He paused and said, “Stand up Sky, let everyone give you a hand.”

Sky was a striking willowy blond. Barely into her twenties, she was an immodestly dressed modeling student. Sky wore a candy cane tube-top, black leather mini, sparkly green belly gem and a diaphanous (see-thru) black cape with a peacock feather clasp. A zircon (gem) faux (fake or artificial) diamond and ebony necklace, dangled tantalizingly ( something that provokes or arouses expectation, interest, or desire), just above the exposed cleavage of her ample and barely contained bosom (person’s chest).

Following a sermon on walking in holiness, Rocky winked and concluded his homily (religious discourse) with the statement, “My last and most important bit of advice, to y’alls, is a quote from my daddy, ‘Do as I say,’ chuckle, ‘And not as I do!”’

Scene fade.

Neumarket’s step-son, Orlando Mann, sang a Christian song that he had written.  As usual, Orrie was nervous when he introduced himself but did a great job on the song.

Rocky said, “Boy, you did all-white!”  He laughed and added, “My Boy’s mama’s great grandparents must have sung like that when they were pickin’ cotton for their master!” Orrie became shy and nervous once more, following his step-father’s racially inappropriate remark.

Rocky thumped his Bible and said, “Today’s sermon is about gossip.” Midway into his presentation, Rocky dramatically pointed into the television camera and asked, ‘Did y’alls ever hear-tell the joke about the town pastoral support group meetin’?

“The group decided to pray for each other’s besettin’ sins.    One pastor said, please pray for me; I have a problem with lying.  Another pastor said, pray for me; I have a problem with yelling at my wife.  Another pastor said, I have a problem with padding my expense account. Three pastors said they suffered from a porn addiction.  The last pastor excitedly proclaimed, My problem is gossip, and I can’t wait for this here meetin’ to be over, so I can go out and share the news!”

Pastor Rockford Neumarket ended by gleefully sharing several embarrassing stories about numerous parishioners. Rocky was careful not to name names but left a trail of clues that could have been followed by a blind man. He explained that what he was sharing was not gossip, merely examples of gossip to illustrate his lesson.

Scene fade.

Following a short but impactive sermon on tithing, Rockford and his band played several popular Christian songs. Rocky called his girlfriend Sky to the stage and handed her a microphone. She was wearing a sequined scarlet Fredrick’s of Hollywood gown. They sang the duet “Friends” as famously performed on YouTube by Michael W. Smith and Amy Grant, but with a distinctly countrified style.

After the service, Pastor Rocky Neumarket stood in the foyer for the traditional handshakes ritual. He always enjoyed bantering with the congregation as they left the church. Most of them were wont to meet at one of the several local buffets or else they would hurry home, after picking up multiple Jo Jo’s Chicken-to-go buckets, and spend the afternoon sprawled across couches and easy chairs before their surround sound, big screen TV, watching the Giants versus Cowboys game.

Flower bouquets of red roses, orange lilies, and snowy baby’s breath floral arrangements, in fancy pearled vases, neatly ensconced (positioned) in arched wall niches (A shallow recess, especially one in a wall to display a statue or other ornament.) , filled the foyer (entrance hall) with bright colors and pleasantly floral scents.

A portly young man with black tightly curled hair snapped a photo of Neumarket shaking hands with a wealthy looking elderly couple. The journalism student was also covertly wired for video and audio.

One of the elders whispered in Rocky’s ear to be careful with his remarks because a journalism student from a local college was present.  Until the cowboy pastor was further informed, that the journalist was suspected to be in the process of writing a less than the complimentary paper on him and his church, he had merely struck a dramatic pose. Like a light  switched off in a dark room, Pastor Rockford Neumarket changed from charming saint to bellowing devil in the blink of an eye. Rocky began yelling at the young man as people milled like confused lemmings (small furry rodent) in the church vestibule (entrance hall).

Red-faced and almost incoherent (confusing or unclear), Rocky yelled, “Get the Hell outta my church, you paparazzi pig!  If you bleepin’ write that bleepin’ story about me, God will bleep you up bad. And when He’s bleep-bleep done, then it’s my bleep-bleepin’ turn!” He ended his tirade by bending his knees and putting up his fists in a traditional boxer’s stance, and exclaimed, “And make no mistake Fat Boy; I can bleep you up real good! Real bleepin’ good!”

The elders escorted the journalist student out the door. Then the elders ran back and attempted to quiet Neumarket down. Three more elders joined the others and forcibly walked him into the office and closed the door.

Outside, the journalism student talked with a few shocked churchgoers who had left with him. He patted his suit coat pocket, grinned and said, “I recorded that. Audio and video! This will not only get me an A on my Master’s presentation, but it will be in all of the local papers.  The editors will, of course, bleep out the expletives!”

End of dream.

The names of people and objects such as clothing and guitars were all made up.  Otherwise, the dream was as written. Occasionally, as has happened with other dreams, I would later have memory flashes, during editing, of scenes like Brother Raymond solemnly saluting the tricycle before walking away from Cowboy’s Tabernacle of Praise, never to return.

Rockford seemed like a unique name readily associated with the nickname Rocky.  I also had Rockford nicknamed  Rocky because he had been a boxer for many years.  His clothes may not have been the same as described, but from what I remember, his clothes and four or five guitars looked very flashy and expensive.

I do remember one of the suits was all white with a white string tie. Rockford reminded me of a slim version of the character “Boss Hog” while wearing that costume.

I also remember that Rockford wore an emerald western cut sports jacket with brown elbow and shoulder pads that matched the green Les Paul guitar. Some of the jackets and shirts had white cowboy hats or black longhorn cattle silhouettes on either side of his chest. Mostly he wore jeweled string ties. Rockford also wore an ascot tie of shimmery dark blue or green during one scene. Another time he wore a standard black tie.

Sky’s clothes were just very revealing; other than that I don’t remember what she wore except that she wore a simple dark cotton tube top and a mini skirt and hooker boots. Later in the dream, she wore a gauzy feathered showgirl gown. It was either emerald or red.

There was a country western band of mixed gender. They backed up Rockford or played background music for Orrie, and other singers, from a bandbox on the stage. I don’t remember much about them.

Some of the weird turns of phrase, like “fresh-snow Bible student,” were in the dream. I didn’t make them up.

I don’t remember any of the actual songs that were in the dream. All I remember was that Rocky was a very good as a singer and guitarist.  While Pastor Rockford Neumarket did not have a relationship with Jesus, his step-son seemed to be a quickly growing young Christian who was very humble and sincere. Orlando suffered because of his step father’s constant belittling and his mother’s abandonment but seemed to show great potential for one day becoming a mature Christian and receiving emotional healing.

I have the feeling that Rockford and Elder Hansen, who had also been Rocky’s former musical agent and advisor, were asked to leave the church following the last incident with the journalist.  It also seems that Orrie was allowed to stay, assist the band and a few years later became the pastor.

The dream portrays how a pastor should not act. It also shows how, if a pastor is spiritually weak, but naturally talented in speaking or playing instruments, and can bring in a good offering, the board tends to overlook behaviors that would normally bring correction or termination to any non-celebrity pastor. Keep in mind that the devil can bring blessing for a season if it suits his nefarious (evil) purposes.  Such black blessings may be considered to be from Jesus when they are not.  Rockford’s fame and fortune while at the helm of Cowboy’s Gospel Tabernacle is illustrative of this principle.

Also keep in mind that the devils are always looking for an opportunity to take the bad examples in our midst, especially those of leaders, and paste their diabolical behavior onto the billboards and tabloids of the world.  When even a few Christians portray immoral behavior, Christian-haters love to smear every follower of Christ as hypocritical and immoral people, painting them in horrific (awful) gaudy (showy in a distasteful way) colors.

To the best of my knowledge I do not know of any celebrity pastor whose life story resembles  that of the one in my dream, but because of the detail, I wonder if the dream is a work of fiction based on the life of a real person? He did not look or sound like the country western singer from my dream “Honky Tonk Prodigal” in Kingdom Lessons Three.

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